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[思考] 生活的意义

自从下到派出所工作,加之婚后各种债务的压力袭来,我不禁又开始思考生活的意义何在?

对于“活着的意义”这个问题,我已不是第一次进行思考。

第一次思考是在五六年级之时,当时我就读于厦门市金山小学,我每天步行上学放学,一个人上下学的时候,我常爱胡思乱想,不知在某天,我对于活着的意义,我第一次有了我的见解,当时我以为活着的意义就是为了“享受”。生活难道不应就是要快乐吗,而我们当下辛辛苦苦的读书,也是为了将来能够更好的享受,这个逻辑现在看来其实也是自洽的。

第二次思考人生的意义是在我高中之时,当时我对生活的意义有一个与之前不一样的认识,我想生活的意义就在不断体验之前未曾体验过的新鲜事物。

第三次我对人生的意义有不一样的认识,是在我大学之时,这个新的认识来源于《活着》,一本书及同名电影,正如余华《活着》序言里所讲,人是为活着本身而活着的,而不是为了活着之外的任何事物而活着。

关于“生活的意义”这个问题,不是一个适合经常思考的问题。因为他不是一个越思考越明白的问题。关于人生的意义,若是刨根问底式的是追问,恐怕会陷入任何事物皆无意义的虚无中,若无法跳脱这种虚无的黑洞,则会有患上抑郁症的风险。

工作以后,我对生活的意义的看法却不如读书时期那样清晰。被生活的大棒敲打反复敲打后,我有点晕头转向。社会生活不像校园生活那样单纯和充满希望,校园生活总感觉光明的前途就在前方,而只要努努力读好书考好试,我就会比别人强,比别人优秀。社会生活显然更加复杂也更加现实,与学校成绩对应工作能力和工作成效在目前在我看来成为了最没有盼头的因素,起点、背景、人脉关系、经济实力任何一个因素都比自己工作能力和工作成效对自己的前途和生活具有更快更直接更有效的影响。虽然努力工作对前景的影响收效甚微,但我等农民子弟也唯有沉迷于工作之中以安慰自己仍是不断在进步的,总有一天会熬出头的。而对于起点、背景、人脉关系、经济实力的改变,我或已无法改变,或无从入手,或遥遥无期。这种“无力感”是我参加工作后最深刻的体验。

若如今我还是单身,或许这几年我会义无反顾会沉迷于工作中,以期在通过优秀的工作能力和工作成效,以赢得领导的认可和赏识,进而获得更多的机会。但有了家庭的我必须更加理性的看待现实,虽然我仍愿意沉迷于自我感动式的努力以期待自我幻想式的美好未来以逃避现实的“无力感”,但我必须更加清楚一些。

我必须清楚,虽然我现在我现在已经花费了大量的时间和精力在工作上,但目前我其实也仅仅是完成基本的工作任务,若想要把工作做的突出和出彩,那我必需去牺牲大量陪伴家庭的时间。

我必须清楚,哪怕我在工作上花的时间再多,工作做的再出彩,我的收入也不会有质的提升,我将来的经济压力也将越来越大。

现如今我花费这大量的时间和精力投身于工作,这该死派出所排班制度,让我一个月至少有半个月无法与老婆同床共枕,若这样的生活持续一年,那我则有半年是独自睡在派出所冰冷空荡的房间。时间若拉长到一辈子,那我与老婆则要两地分居半辈子,岂一个唉字了得,唉!唉!唉!

我赞同余华所说,人是为或着本身而活着,而不是为了活着之外的任何事物而活着。

目前对我来说活着的意义就是以乐观的心态去迎接生活的艰难困苦,当下所有的不容易都将成为将来难忘的回忆。

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